Why “Not All Men” Misses the Mark.
If you’ve been on social media lately, you might have seen a TikTok video that is currently sparking a massive conversation about sexual harassment and the common “Not All Men” defense. It’s one of those posts that stops you mid-scroll and makes your mouth hang open, because it highlights how everyday inaction—the stuff we often ignore—actually fuels much larger, more dangerous problems.
As someone deeply committed to gender equality, I wanted to dig into why this analogy is resonating so deeply and what it means for us, especially here in South Africa.
The Room of Ten: A Viral Reality Check
The conversation picked up steam when a TikTok video was shared on X by singer Chinmayi Sripaada and doctor Dipshikha Ghosh. By late December 2025, it had already reached over 600,000 views.
The analogy is simple but gut-wrenching: Imagine 10 men in a room.
• One man makes a degrading sexual joke about a woman.
• Two men laugh out loud.
• Three men chuckle awkwardly just to fit in.
• Four men stay completely silent.
The point? While only one person “started” it, the room becomes unsafe because of the other nine. Silence and passive laughter normalize harassment, turning it into an accepted social norm. When we say “not all men” are perpetrators, we miss the reality that those who stay quiet are still complicit in letting harassment slide.
Does Speaking Up Actually Help?
It’s easy to feel like one person saying “hey, that’s not right” won’t change much, but the research says otherwise. Bystander intervention is a game-changer. Programs that train people to recognise and safely interrupt harmful situations—whether by distracting the group or directly confronting the behavior—are proving highly effective.
In fact, studies show that:
• Bystander programs can reduce sexual violence by 10-20% in U.S. samples.
• The “Green Dot” program, which focuses on these interventions, reduced violence rates by 17-21% over several years.
• In college settings, these programs significantly lower the acceptance of violence and make people more willing to step in.
Of course, it isn’t always easy. We often face “diffusion of responsibility,” where we assume someone else will handle it, or we fear social backlash. But while awareness is a great start, education must be ongoing to truly shift the culture from one of silence to one of accountability.
The Heavy Reality: Global and Local
This isn’t just a theoretical debate; the numbers represent real lives. Globally, one in three women will experience physical or sexual violence in her lifetime.
In South Africa, this is a national emergency. According to the 2024 National GBV Study, over 7.3 million women (33%) in our country have experienced gender-based violence (GBV). The statistics are staggering:
• Femicide rates increased by 33.8% between April 2023 and March 2024.
• Over 957 women were murdered in just a three-month span in late 2024.
• More than 50% of South Africans have experienced intimate partner violence by the time they are 28 years old.
• In the first quarter of 2025 alone, 28,000 domestic violence cases were recorded by police.
Turning the Tide
Our high rates of GBV are propped up by the same cultural norms seen in that “Room of Ten”—a culture that silences bystanders. But we can change the blueprint. We need more people to challenge the “jokes,” support the survivors, and demand better systems.
If you’re in South Africa, you can start today:
1. Be the voice in the room. Don’t let the “harmless” joke pass in silence.
2. Educate yourself. Know the resources available, like the GBV Command Centre (0800 428 428).
3. Support local initiatives. Join movements that are working to make our spaces safer.
Until we all decide to act, “not all men” will continue to miss the point—and women will continue to pay the price. Let’s commit to being the ones who speak up.
Parting shot:
Analogy for clarity: Think of a garden where only one person is actively planting weeds. If the rest of the neighbourhood watches in silence and refuses to pull them up, eventually, the entire community’s soil is ruined. It’s not enough to just “not plant weeds”; a healthy garden requires everyone to actively protect the ground they share.
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